Children and Divorce

There was an excellent Op-Ed piece in yesterday's New York Times (February 18,2010) by Ruth Bettelheim, a marriage and family therapist. The message was a familiar one to those of us in the Mental Health, Mediation and Collaborative Practice Communities, but somehow it has been slow to be accepted, understood and internalized by the general public and by legislators. The message is a simple one: Exposure to parental conflict is bad for kids - especially in the context of a divorce.

Research has shown that children are resilient, can and do, adjust and cope with divorce and lead happy, productive and successful lives. But being exposed to parental conflict before, during and after a divorce can lead to a number of psychological problems including low self-esteem, depression, difficulty in forming and maintaining relationships , difficulties in school, as well as physical complaints. Making Divorce Easier on Your Child" a book written by Nicholas Long and Rex Forehand, contains the following quote from a child: " My parents would fight all the time. It got so bad I started getting stomach aches and throwing up. My mom took me to a bunch of doctors. There was nothing wrong with me; it was just the fighting"

Unfortunately, although parents love their children, the kids often become pawns in a battle over other parental issues, especially money. Child support and child custody become financial battles. The traditional Divorce Model -Litigation - encourages such practices and polarizes families with each side trying to discredit the other.

Collaborative Practice and Mediation view divorce issues as joint problems that need to be resolved together in order to preserve family relationships, rather than as a war that produces losers, but no winners.

If you are interested in pursuing this issue further, the following references would be good starting points.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/18/opinion/18bettelheim.html?ref=opinion -This is the link to the Times Article;

Divorcemediationsolutions.com - My website that has two related articles, Children and Divorce",and "Telling the Children";

Making Divorce Easier on Your Child, by Long and Forehand ;

The Truth about Children and Divorce, by Robert Emery.