Children and Divorce

There was an excellent Op-Ed piece in yesterday's New York Times (February 18,2010) by Ruth Bettelheim, a marriage and family therapist. The message was a familiar one to those of us in the Mental Health, Mediation and Collaborative Practice Communities, but somehow it has been slow to be accepted, understood and internalized by the general public and by legislators. The message is a simple one: Exposure to parental conflict is bad for kids - especially in the context of a divorce.

Research has shown that children are resilient, can and do, adjust and cope with divorce and lead happy, productive and successful lives. But being exposed to parental conflict before, during and after a divorce can lead to a number of psychological problems including low self-esteem, depression, difficulty in forming and maintaining relationships , difficulties in school, as well as physical complaints. Making Divorce Easier on Your Child" a book written by Nicholas Long and Rex Forehand, contains the following quote from a child: " My parents would fight all the time. It got so bad I started getting stomach aches and throwing up. My mom took me to a bunch of doctors. There was nothing wrong with me; it was just the fighting"

Unfortunately, although parents love their children, the kids often become pawns in a battle over other parental issues, especially money. Child support and child custody become financial battles. The traditional Divorce Model -Litigation - encourages such practices and polarizes families with each side trying to discredit the other.

Collaborative Practice and Mediation view divorce issues as joint problems that need to be resolved together in order to preserve family relationships, rather than as a war that produces losers, but no winners.

If you are interested in pursuing this issue further, the following references would be good starting points.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/18/opinion/18bettelheim.html?ref=opinion -This is the link to the Times Article;

Divorcemediationsolutions.com - My website that has two related articles, Children and Divorce",and "Telling the Children";

Making Divorce Easier on Your Child, by Long and Forehand ;

The Truth about Children and Divorce, by Robert Emery.

Litigate,Collaborate or Mediate? Now you can Arbitrate Child Custody -at least in New Jersey

Arbitration is an alternative to a court making a decision. The parties hire a neutral person, known as an arbitrator, to decide the matter. It is like hiring a private judge. For many years, and in many states, arbitration was not allowed for child custody and related issues, especially in the context of divorce .

Recently, the New Jersey Supreme Court decided, for the first time, that child custody and parenting time disputes may be resolved by parents using binding arbitration under New Jersey Law, subject to certain procedural safeguards. The right to appeal is strictly limited. This decision allows parties who cannot agree by themselves, to avoid long, expensive and public court proceedings, and have their disputes decided privately.

For those interested in reading the case, it is Fawzy v. Fawzy, 199 N.J. 459 (July 2009), 2009 N.J. LEXIS 634.

Not Listening, Not Hearing

Recently, I saw a cartoon that pictured a middle aged couple sitting in a living room. The caption was" I'm sorry dear, I wasn't paying attention. Could you please repeat everything that you said since we got married."

That cartoon hit a responsive chord because many of the divorcing couples that come to me have not heard or listened to each other -- usually for a very long time. None of us like to feel like we are "talking to a wall". Lack of communication leads to resentment, anger, frustration.

Mediation requires that the husband and wife listen to each other. When I work with a couple to help them resolve divorce issues, I take the time to help each party learn to listen to the other, and I make sure that each is heard and understood by the other. Once the couple can hear the other, and possibly understand, where the other is " coming from", they can look at the issues as problems that need to be solved by working together, rather than a series of battles in a war.\that cannot be won.

There are methods of teaching how to listen, how to hear, how to be heard, how to understand and how to be understood. They are part of my mediation services.

Divorce in tough economis times

There was an article in today's New York Times (Feb 11) that reported about some trends and research about divorce and marriage divorce . Here is the address to access .
http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/02/09/love-in-the-time-of-recession

Basically it talks about marriages and divorce rates going down because of the bad economy. As we all know, a litigated divorce can be very, very expensive, or maybe just expensive.

The article does not mention Divorce Mediation. Mediation's costs - both financial and emotional - are almost always a small fraction of a litigated divorce. It also does not discuss legal separation, without divorce.

For more information about Legal Separation or Divorce Mediation you can visit my website: divorcemediationsolutions.com

What about a legal separation?

A legal separation does not end the marriage.When couples separate legally, they remain legally married, but live separately. They A legal separation can be created by a court order (relatively rare), or by signing a separation agreement that spells out the terms of child custody and support, division of property and debts, and spousal support (i.e. alimony) if any is agreed to.

There are many reasons that some couples choose to separate legally, rather than get divorced. Sometimes the reason is religious, ethical or moral, and sometimes it is for insurance or other reasons.