Lawyers do Not Necessarily Know

Research has shown that lawyers routinely overestimate their chances of success in their cases, and the amount of experience they have had does not make much difference. A professor at the University Of California, Elizabeth Loftus, is co-author of a study which examined the accuracy of lawyers' predictions. The researchers surveyed 481 lawyers in 44 states who handled cases expected to go to trial. They were asked to rate their confidence in achieving a stated minimal goal. The study found that the lawyers were less successful than their predictions in 44% of their cases.

What does this mean for the person who is contemplating hiring a litigation ( trial) lawyer for a divorce case? Based on the results of the study, there is almost a 50% chance that what the lawyer the predicts will happen will not be realized. People who go to trial with their cases put their futures and the futures of their children in the hands of strangers - judges. Although judges try to come up with fair decisions, they cannot know a family's situation as well as the Husband and Wife. Also, what a judge may consider to be a fair determination may not be what the parties themselves think is fair. Think about people who you know who have gone through a litigated divorce. How many of them think that the process, or the results were fair? Mostly, the parties were pressured into decisions, even if they did not go through a trial.

In Divorce Mediation and in Collaborative Law there is no pressure from judges because the parties themselves make all decisions at their own pace, and in privacy. The goal is for the Husband and Wife t o work out what is best for them and their family, sometimes with the help of other professionals .

For more information about mediation or Collaborative Law Divorce visit my website at www.divorcemediationsolutions.com.

The Invisible Children

Last week I attended a workshop, which I organized for a professional mediators association, dealing with adult children ( 16 or 17 years old, and up) of divorce. It is a topic that most mediators (and parents) spend little or no time discussing, ("How are the kids taking the divorce?" "Great. They are OK with it"). Not surprisingly, the workshop was titled :The Invisible Children".

Although there are no parenting plans or access schedules to develop, there are many issues that face adult children as family structures change. Sometimes, the adult chldren reverse roles with a parent, giving advice and support, or being a confidant. Other times children who are just coming out of adolesence themselves and trying t0 establish their adult identities, find that their assumptions about family are turned upside down. Others fear that they will have new responsibilities for taking care of their younger siblings, or wonder if they will be able to continue attending college. Vacations at home may be particularly stressful and emotionally draining.

Bringing the voices of adult children into the the Mediation or Collaborative Process can also help increase understanding of family and couple dynamics, break through impasse and clarify goals and interests.

Jeffrey Zimmerman, PhD, a clinical psychologist one of the presenters of the workshop, co-authored a book titled Adult Children of Divorce, (new Harbinger Publications). Copies are available from the publisher or at Amazon.com.

ParentAlienation Awareness Day

April 25, 2010 was Parental Alienation Awareness Day.

Parent Alienation is defined as a deliberate attempt by one parent to distance his or her children from the other parent. The motivation is to break the bond between the child and the other parent. It is very difficult for the alienated parent to overcome parent alienation. Rebuliding a relationship with an alienated child may seem remote or hopeless, but if no effort is made the chance of success is almost non-existent.

Here are a few suggestions when attempting Contact:
Always accept whatever contact your child will allow, no matter how little or insignificant;
Make every effort to make the contact pleasant: no criticism, arguments, complaints;
Smile. Be friendly. Keep conversation light. Have some fun.
No questions about the other parent or messages to him/her;

Do all you can to make the contact work. For you and your child.

Things are seldom What They Seem

I have been a fan of Gilbert & Sullivan operaettas for many years. When I was young, I was even a member of an amateur Group that only performed Gilbert and Sullivan works. Although many of their lines are so far out of date that it is impossible to know what they refer to, many of their themes are universal and timeless. One of them, is a song in HMS Pinafore entitled "Things are Seldom What they Seem."

I was reminded of that thought recently in a mediation that I was conducting. The couple, married for 15 years with 2 kids, had met with me three times. They were extremely nice to each other and agreed on almost every issue that was discussed. Until the subject of what to do with their house came up. Shortly after we started talking about it, they each started yelling and cursing at each other and accusing each other of really bad things. It got so heated that I had to separate them for a few minutes so that each could have a chance to calm down.

Obviously, they were not the calm and agreeable couple that they seemed to be. There were reasons that they were divorcing after 15 years.

I always try to be sensitive and cognizant to the feelings of couples who are separating or divorcing. Whether it is an "easy" case or a "hard" one, emotions run deep. I realize that the process is emotionally stressful and difficult for ALL couples, no matter how much they try not to show it, and I try to respect those feelings and recognize that they are completely natural and legitimate.

Divorce Mediation Conference - Parenting Plans

I spent this past weekend at the New York State Council on Divorce Mediation's annual conference, which, as a member of the Board of Directors and Conference Committee, I helped to arrange. More than 150 mediators from all over the state attended to hear prominent experts on divorce related issues run workshops and lectures to improve our skills and keep current with the latest information that will help our clients get through the difficult Divorce Process as easily as possible.

There was too much to summarize in one - or even a few-- posts, but I will provide a few highlights. We were fortunate enough to have Joan Kelly, PhD, an expert on child development and effects of divorce on children, for a full day presentation. One of the things that I got out of it was that there is a lot of research that says that in most cases kids want, and should have, more time with the non-residential parent than the traditional every- other- weekend- and one -evening- a week, as is so commonly imposed by judges. This is true for children of all ages -from very young to college aged.

Several websites with examples of parenting plans were cited. Here they are for you to look at:
www.AFCCNET.ORG (Planning for Shared Parenting)
www.STATE.AK.US/COURTS/FORMS/DR-475PDF
jbkellyphd@mindspring.com (Parenting Plan Options for School Age Children).

By the way, the Conference was held in Saratoga Springs, New York. The area is beautiful with lots to do, and many moderately priced hotels and motels (except in racing season). It is a nice place to visit and to take the kids.